Almost Too Much

I have been struggling lately. I mean to the point of frustration, throwing up my hands and wanting to lay on the ground and have a tantrum.

This whole "trying to find a new church" thing is about to be the end of me, I think. It's hard and i don't like hard. It's sad and I really don't like sad. I miss familiarity. I want to see my friends that were closer to me than family every time I walk into church. I want my kids to be with the kids they have known since - literally - birth.

I'm just weary.

I was sharing this with my friend, Linda. I know she understands and she had very wise words and experiences to share. I'm so thankful for her.

I didn't share it with my Savior, my Comforter, my Abba Father. I didn't want to whine or complain to Him. But, Saturday, I did it. I laid it all out there. Crying (I'm not a crier) whining (I do OK at whining) and falling apart.

I wish I could tell you I immediately felt better and that God revealed His great plan for our family to me. I really just felt relief that I had finally shared with the One who loves me the most and cares for my every need - but no big revelations.

Saturday night, we made a decision to go to Life Church. We had written LC off initially for a reason I don't quite remember now. Maybe because it's a MEGA church, maybe because of someone who went there - I dunno but we went Sunday morning.

It's a rockin' church. Seriously...imagine traditional Christmas carols being sung by Metallica. (That's the hardest band I can think of!) And then, this:

I hear the Savior say, "Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all."

The air was sucked right out of my lungs - like I'd been punched in the gut.

Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

More crying but with lots more joy now. Child of weakness = Beverly. And in that rockin' version of that beautiful song, I felt the Lord's mercy and tenderness for me and what I'm feeling lately. He's been right there all along, of course. I might not have shared my broken heart with Him soon enough but He knew. Because He is my all in all. And I know he put other wonderful things in my path to distract me from what we face in finding a church.

I also know He's working in us as a family. Each time we walk into a new church, we do it together knowing it's not easy for any of us. We're learning about trust and obedience. We've only known our life as a family as part of a community of believers - so we all want to get back to that. We're learning that worship doesn't have to be rigid, formal, or stiff. (EHC wasn't like that but some of the churches we've visited have been.)

We really liked LC. The pastor is on the big screen - which didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. His message, on prayer, was fantastic and timely for my life. The music was ALMOST too much but I enjoyed it for what it was. KWIM? They have a Saturday night service which I adore! And for such a big church, it didn't feel that way.

So, if you're still reading this ginormo post, please, pray for us. We're ready for a church home - ready to serve and be part of that mission field.

Thanks for listening!

B.